Stiletta

So this weekend I hung out with my friend Mila, who I met at Mizzou, but she ended up leaving the J school and going to Berkeley for film. She has been in the bay area every since. I think once people come out here it is really hard to leave. I don't know if it is just persuasion from popular perceptions or something so wonderful about California that is just magnetic. I haven't quite figured it out just yet, but I know it sure does cost a fortune to live out here. As soon as I find out though I will let you know.



My internship here at the Merc will officially be over in two weeks. My father sent me an email with his flight itinerary so it is definitely official that I am leaving. UGH! I want to go, but I want to stay. I would like to see my house for the last time before someone else takes it over. I want to see my family, but I do not want to live in the same city as them. I realized me going away to school was the best thing. I really can not take all the drama. The latest being with my brother. I don't know if I should put his life on blast, but lets just say he can't always blame everyone else, cause he is the only one to blame for this one. Its hard cause I love him so much and you can't help it when you give someone a piece of your heart. It was not even consciously, it was just natural. He was born, unloved and somewhat unwanted and I related to him instantly. As a little 7 year old girl I knew that I was no longer alone in the madness. I was happy for the companionship, but sad that he was brought into it at the same time. And since that day I have done nothing but try to protect him. Can I now protect him from himself? I do not think he will truly understands what an effect he has on my life until he has loved someone like that and watches that person throw around his love like garbage cans that need to be taken to the curb. I understand cause truly that wisdom, which should not be mistaken for knowledge, can only come with experience and time. Watching things change right in front of my eyes, that I believed to be undeniable truths, have taught me that there is always something new to learn and new situations to reintroduce humility to my spirit.



There are openings at the Chronicle in Houston, but to be honest I have never been overly impressed with their paper. Once again I must remember my old friend, humility, and realize that I am not Diane Arbus and even if I was, I would not really be discovered until after my suicide, therefore I should not be surprised that the life of uncertainty has become my mantra. I should embrace that life and make a banging chorus to resound with it. To the heavens, baby.



It was cool hanging out with Mila, and as usual she is the total rockstar diva, but without all the drama. We all have tendencies for flair and dramatization, at least Leos do, but its how we use that flair is what's important. It has to be harnessed and redirected towards our goals, dreams, and aspirations for it to truly be affective. Otherwise its like letting balloons go that just wander off into the sky only to be popped by the atmosphere, wasted energy. She is writing for Soma magazine in San Francisco and has a multicultural, all girls, rock band that is pretty well known in the bay area. She lives with her boyfriend Fred and lives a quiet, but joyful life. She enjoys the moments and lives life without inhibitions. I don't know if that can be said about me. I try not to be trepidatious, but just like the spelling of the word I am not sure its right. I just finished reading "{the} Hours and now I am reading, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter," by Carson McCullers. I hate that back then women had to use male names to get their work recognized. Maybe I should do that, so I can get some respect. I think it would be interesting. I mean they always ask me what I want my credit to be. I guess I could just change it to Kevin instead of Kim or just K. Mitchell. HMMM? Thought?