Breaks My Heart

There are little things in life that seem so big. They start out like a little wave on the horizon and the next thing you know a tidal wave is hitting the beach and the possibility of death is eminent. Words like marriage are like little tsunamis. Then one of your best friends tells you that you are long-winded. I sit back and think about it for a second. Am I long-winded and then I realize the truth about myself. I am selfish, a know-it-all, talk-about-annoying, long-winded snob. Wow thats a lot to take. Ok this is where the song above should be played. Its by Regina Spektor. Some things never change. Like I will always love music. It will always save me from myself. Hopefully I will become less selfish, and more aware by listening to music. But I am avoiding my point of writing this. Underneath all the insecurites, I am a good person and I think I deserve to be happy. Why is it that I put my self in situations where happiness is harder to find than a cockfight in backwoods Louisiana? Everything in life is an oxymoron. It contradicts itself, no wonder people are confused. Heaven sure knows I am. In life you are suppossed to listen to God and follow the law and will of God, which tells you not to have sex before marriage, don't lie, steal, cheat, or kill. Since man was created in God's image, we are suppossed to be just like Him. Unfortunately there is sin that is a natural thing in man, born out of wrath. Now we are all born out of wrath. Our natural intuition is to be self-centered fornicators. As a christian you are suppossed to deny yourself and walk in the spirit. But that is almost impossible. The world has a completely different view and society has given up trying to do the right thing as far as what God says goes, and now the world just settles for doing what feels right. So how am I, as a Christian, suppossed to stay strong when everything is against me, including myself? No man is an island. Do you see where this is going and I am open for debate? I know that I have friends that don't see things like I do and I encourage conversation about these things, because in the end I am just searching for some truth like you. To find a solution, even if the solution is there is no solution. There is a fire that burns inside of me; it burns and scorches my heart. The flames lick at my side and remind me of the eternal death that is promised if I give into this fire. My internal, eternal hell. There is salvation, but it does not come easy, and I feel like that once that fire is quenched there will always be another one to put out, because that is the human condition. So I should just get used to the oxymorons in my life. Cause its not just me that struggles with this. I am not alone. People dont like to talk about it though. I wonder why.



The real reason I am writing this though is because my heart is broken. Guys really have no clue do they? Why don't they understand? See another oxymoron. We are suppossed to be with the opposite sex who are completely different from women, that they might as well be from another planet. He tells you that he can see himself married to you, but there is a catch. He really thinks that he has opened up to you and shown you his true heart. The unfortunate truth is that he has and totally demorialized and dehumanized you at the same time. No it wasn't him saying that he could see himself married to me that made me feel unhuman it was the catch that got snagged in my mouth like a hook. He was fishing alright. He was fishing to see how I would react once he said that he would really be open to marrying me if we were sleeping together. I did not know how to respond when he said it, because I am a stupid girl that got caught up in the word marriage. I don't even know if I want to marry him and I still fell for it. Why do girls get caught up in that word? Its like a net. Guys know the power in that word too. They like to drop it to manipulate the situation. And I don't think or I dont know if they are that malicous, but it sure does feel like it. The best way to describe how I feel is basically I felt like he is asking me for a test drive, like I am a car. He is looking at love from a consumerr's perspective instead of seeing love for what it really is, being a servant. Thats what love is, but the meaning of it has become diluted, like marriage. How can marriage survive if people don't even understand what love is, which is suppose to support and build it up. The cornerstone is missing from the building and it is only a shell of what it used to be. I am not shopping for a car. I am looking for someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, have children with and grow old with. The last thing I should worry about is sexual compatibility, especially when that only gets better with time. Love does not depreciate over time, it's stock rises if anything. The more time you invest in a relationship, the more value it has in your life. The rest will come when you look for someone that you connect with in different ways, like spiritually, emotionally, and on a personal level. But society tells us that sex is important and it is, but it is not the focus. It is based on instant gratification and nothing ever grows from that. If anything, it kills love.