Ignoring Christmas

So I am Ignoring Christmas or I am trying to, but its more difficult than I anticipated. I told no one to send me anything, but they do anyways. I don't get to see my family and I have to work. It sucks. No one cares cause they don't have to do it or they already did and they feel someone else has to pay their dues. Whatever.



I am trying to keep this blog a secret, but it has almost been discovered twice. If I could do my postings from home than this would make this a lot easier. But I don't have it set up at home, yet. I need to get on that. I had to get a new banking account cause the one I have here locally sucks and the one that I am changing to I found out sucks as well. Bank of America was the best. User-friendly completely. Other banks could really take a lesson from them.



I am so through being the low man on the totem pole. I know that I am suppossed to be happy about it or something but I don't see how. I get treated worse than the intern. I mean really. Oh well such is life. I have been getting to know another photographer here and he seems alright. I didn't trust him at first to be honest, but he seems to be opening up to me about his personal life and he wouldn't tell me that stuff if he wasn't geniune, I think. Time will tell. I have not found out if he has betrayed my trust. If he did, It would be hard to swallow, considering that I have no one to really confide in. I am not the best at making friends even though normally I have friends. I think its harder as I get older. I don't try as hard and I don't think other people don't try hard either as they get older.



I have been having this conversation with a lot of people, mostly males, but we all agree that once you get older Christmas is not the same anymore. When you are a kid there is a feeling to Christmas, Like almost magic and when you reach a certain age it just dissipates in the air like fairy dust. You are stuck in reality and you can't fly away to NeverNever Land. It basically sucks. I hate this whole growing up thing and being an adult. I like the freedom, sometimes, but I do not like the junk that comes along with that freedom, Like bills, work, responsibilty, no room for error (EVER). I mean really the only way to descirbe it is IT SUCKS. I remember being a kid and being excited about christmas. When I was a kid it was the promise of something new to come. There were new toys, but it felt like a new day. A new life. It was more sentimental and symbolic back then. I met a lot of christmas nuts while doing an essay on Holiday lights, which you can check out at : http://www.freep.com/assets/slideshows/lights1223/index.html And they keep the spirit alive through their kids and really participating in it. This morning when my brother called me from my aunt's house I could hear everyone getting excited about Adora, who is 2, opening up her presents for Christmas. There were all these ewwww's and ahhhh's. It sounded like fun. I really can't wait to have my own kids. This guy at work was saying really 35 is too late to have kids, because by the time they are 18 you are 53. Too old. I never really thought about it that way. I only thought about it from my point of view. Like I don't think I will be ready until 25. But my MOM had my brother when she was 36 and she doesn't seem to old. But she is less involved in raising him. So maybe there is a difference. She had me when she was 29. So thats my goal. At least 29. If I wait till after then, I know she will give me hell. But really I am not waiting. I am ready. i am not married. I don't have a boyfriend. All I have right now is a career. So really there is nothing I can do but wait.



I am definitely in the hum bug mood. I hate being stuck at work. I could go out and try to find an on location, but for some reason I am bitter and I don't want to. I love this job, but I feel weird today. I have New Year's off but I don't know what I am going to do. I was thinking of calling Reggie and seeing what he is doing, going to VA, or going to Pittsburgh to hang out at Nancy's. The VA cost $350 so thats out. Should I tell my parents that I have News Years off and try to go home? I feel like thats a no. Because its only for three days. Its not long enough.



My Dad got a dog, an airedale terrier. Wanita said it cried the whole first night it was away from its ma and pa. It basically does not like to be left alone. I don't blame it. I was thinking if I got a dog, I would get two so it would never be lonely. But then I heard when one dies, the other dies right away. What if one gets hit by a truck and just leaves the other to die of loneliness? That would be too hard. It's six o'clock. I still have two hours left. I am hungry and I want to go to my cousin's house to eat Christmas dinner. I am never able to come to anything and it makes me feel bad. I want to say something but I am not because it would not be nice and I was raised if you have nothing nice to say and it hurts you more than helps you then don't say. Just think it. THose of you who know me know what I am thinking. Christmas Sucks. If I was home the gifts would suck, but at least I would get to see my family.



If I wasn't here I would be in Virginia, probably, and I don't know if I could take the family for both holidays. I love them but they are a heart full. I can't take it sometimes. Like I heard that Uncle Mike and Dietral missed their flight to VA and Dietral was mad cause she says Uncle Mike showed up at her house at 7 pm when there flight left at 7:30 pm. I tell you that is one of the slowest men I have ever met. It is beyond ridiculous. He's worse than a girl. I don't know if he was always like this or its a way he acquired through the years. I know I am not the timeliness person, but I ain't that bad. So those are my holiday thoughts. I was going to say lame holiday thoughts, but I realized I am always getting down on myself. I put myself donw so much that I think I deserve to be alone, cause really who would want to be with me. Sometimes I think I see my lonliness as my strength. That I don't need other people to fulfil my life, because I am different, special, above others. I stand alone, like a mountain or something. But I know even though i tell myself I want it that way. I don't know if its true. Or is it that I really do like being alone, but its society that tells me that something is wrong with me for wanting to be alone, therefore I search out companions to make myself feel normal. But then I never do because I am not following my heart. I think there is a good reason why I want to be alone at times and I should respect my reasons whether I understand them or not.