Butterflies in my Stomach

I have been avoiding writing on my blog. Why? I can not say. But I am writing now, but it is not the same. Maybe because I feel like my words are not my strong suit, or maybe its because when I read friend's blogs, there lives seem so much more interesting than mine and better written that it drains the creativity out of me. Or maybe I just have a leach. See that joke was lame. I haven't even written the title for this entry because I do not know what I am writing about. A friend conveniently reminds me everytime we talk that I have not posted in awhile. I created this hysteria around my blog and now I can't live up to the hippety hype. Maybe that's it, I can't deal with the pressure. Its like a pressure cooker. Actually if I feel pressured about anything, the last thing it would be is my blog and you would never be able to tell if I was under stress anyway since I am always so calm, cool, and collected. But I did flip out on a guy friend last night. For my standards I did. I actually said how I feel. I told him that I did not appreciate him disappearing last night and what seemed like to me that he was ignoring me. He said that I was reading too much into the situation and he waited for me outside, but I never showed up, so they left. All I have to say to that is whatever. I am tired of his moodiness and I am tired out defining myself in the weather of his life. Everything he feels, I feel as well. I don't know what I am doing. How I get in these situations, but really who do I think I am. I think i can rise above it all. I can't, but I can try my hardest to direct my will, or at least make it align in life with what I want, which is to please God. I don't know what I want. Someone said very clearly to me. All you need to know is that he likes and respects you and you like and respect him and the rest is bulls***. He's right. Just handle up on the rest. Easier said than done. I guess the hardest thing is to think about the possible consequences. The only friend I have is him. I have cut out all others from my life. Why, not because of him. It was something I needed to do. He just happened to be a biproduct of that, not meaning he is cut out. But I am getting tired. And when i get tired, the wind begins to blow, and things start to change. I watch Grey's Anatomy like some truth is going to be revealed. When Grey has hope, I have hope. God speaking through the mouth of actors and scriptwriters, yeah right! So that is my confusion and my fantasy that I persist that it stil exist, looking for my little workaholic, white bunny. Does everything in life have to be so hard. Do relationships have to be so complicated.