Hysteria

If I am not careful I will drive myself crazy. I play a dangerous game, lending my heart out like a leased car. I feel like I am a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown in a Pedro Almodovar movie. I struggle for the words, but I don't know what to say because I do not know how I feel. I feel like I should be honest with myself and with other people in my life. the thing that keeps playing over and over again in my head is a line from the film, Shopgirl, when Steve martin realizes he has messed up and he has an epiphany, "How is it possible.. - he thinks...to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance...so that when she was gone...he would not miss her. Only then did he realize how wanting part of her...and not all of her...had hurt them both." There are things that are not perfect about the opposite sex, including myself. I accept all of their faults, but I feel like I still hold back parts of myself in fear of getting hurt. Don't call me your friend one second and then hint at me being your wife the next second. We really need to have a talk. This is getting too much. Like I said before, if I am not careful, I will have to commit myself. But when I see him, the time does not seem right. I look into his eyes and I think, he loves me. I don't need to rush things. But I am doing too much that is not expected of just a friend. I need to know, before I get too attached. Thats right. I am going to have the talk. The dreaded talk, and if he was half the man, he would have had it by now. But they never do. So I AM half the woman I could be, therefore I will ask the questions that need to be asked for the sake of my own sanity, really. Oh lord, help shape my words and my heart. Let my intentions be pure. There I go again exposing myself, but I can't write about trivial stuff. There is no point doing all this work of typing to take the time out of my busy schedule to tell you whats in my refrigerator or what I did at work today. If I can't make small talk, what makes me think that I can only write about the banal, inconsequential, superficial things in life. If someone discovers this blog and knows all my thoughts, then so be it. There is nothing wrong with the truth.