Lost in Detroit: Can't Sleep

In a city where people won't look you in the eyes, I stand out like a sunspot burned into your retina. What you see is what you get. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life than I do now. Like a prostitute walking down Woodward Ave. (a main drag in detroit) I feel more exposed than the flesh poking through her or his fishnets. Life has never been easy for me, but I never thought it would get worse or at least feel worse. When things happen to you that you have no control over it seems unfair, but you can rationalize bad things happening to good people and all that jazz. When bad things happen to you because your own personal choices and decisions, it is harder to accept. How could you do that to yourself? The tragedy of it all. How oedipus of me to sleep with my mother and kill my father. Essentially you are the cause of your own pain and suffering and it is hard to comprehend why you would do this to yourself. So then you try to make it right, but its harder than you realized, There is justice in this world and like one's man's trash is another man's treasure, one man's justice is another man's punishment. I don't know why I feel like I have done somethine wrong. Why am I ready to crucify myself for trying to love someone and be loved in return? I did nothing wrong! In my attempt to have grace and give grace, I have been possessed by their transgression and embodied what it might feel like for the other person so forgiveness could grow in my heart. Now I am a walking, spewing, inconsiderate blob of selfishness and neglected feelings. Transubstantiation of love forlorn. The bread has become our relationship broken for God, and this wine is the tears that I have cried blood red, to fill my heart's content. But that blood has helped me survive and made my heart stronger so that I might live. What I am living for, I have not accepted. Gosh sometimes it seems so pointless even when things are going good. I hate being a pessimist. "I need Moses to cross this sea of lonliness, to part this red river of pain."- Patty Griffin. I hate being pathetic.