We love because he loved us first

That statement is so profound, but so basic at the same time. Its so simple that its overwhelming. Like a child, we mimic the person who created us. I can't decide if this need to want to be loved and love in return is because thats what society says we need or its something organic inside me that multiplies as the years grow. AS my thoughts wander between the cracks of failed relationships, rejections, and why I am thousands of miles away from my family that supposedly loves me, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself. I am a selfish person, that knows it and really does not make excuses. If I feel like changing certain things about me, then I agonize over it forever to only realize that it can't be changed. But the things about be that can be altered I ignore, or just except about myself. Is it because I know I can change and that is too easy? Who knows. I understand anything about life. So one truth that I have discovered in life, is that people will always disappoint you. So don't put your faith in another person, or look for love to fufill you from another person. You will always fill empty. So instead I fill my days with monotony, so not to think about what I hope for one day. Attractive and stand up guys that seem good look at me with hope in their eyes, but I just look away. Digging the dirt from beneath my fingernails, I only want to see them in this positive light that surrounds them. I just don't want to find out that the light that I thought was emanating from them, was actually only a redirected reflection. I have less hope now than ever. I want to believe, but really how can I. The only thing that supposedly is stable and has unfailing love for me, is untouchable, invisible, and scientifically unprovable. God's love which is suppossed to sustain me, can not hold me, can not comfort me, and is only based on the faith that I have created in my mind. So excuse me if I have a hard time believing in love. But I do believe in God, so why is it hard for me to take that leap.