Sentimentally Unstable

"I don't think this feeling will ever leave. I've been down so long, blues don't worry me. "-Lovetta Pippen of His Name is Alive. In my opinion the best line ever in music for me. That is exactly how I feel right now and I don't think I am alone, but I am. Thats the biggest part of my blues. Loneliness. Am I willing to sacrifice what I believe in just to kill my loneliness? Is that what life is, compromising oneself? I am alone, but I am used to being alone now. Luckily I have a great job, where I get to meet people all the time. People look at me and think that my life is perfect. Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen photographing this young boy whose life is so busy we are doing a story about it. His mom walks into the kitchen. I introduce myself, they stare at me and then she continues to stare at me. Then says You're so cute. If I did not know better I would think she was a lesbian. I would not be surprised actually. I go to work and I see a friend, who has recently turned 30. I looked at him with wonder, like a sphinx that had a riddle for me to solve. "What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?" I told him his reality was my reality and he laughed at me. He said no because I would be way cooler. I don't see how. People see the outer appearance as some clue to what you are internally, but really its a disguise guised by the mind.



Life is so unpredictable. I would have never thought that I would be living in Detroit. I love it. Don't get me wrong, but I don't know. Its so weird. I don't go out anymore. That is the biggest surprise to me. I think if I had more time and I did not work Fri and Sat nights, I might make more of an effort. But I don't complain and I can't see it any other way. Sometimes I think I am living my life like I am already old. When I do get old, I won't be able to do these things so I better do them now. I need to stop being afraid and just do the damn thing. Life is too short. So I promise myself if I see a man that I am extremely attracted to and I can see something more with, I won't hesitate. If I want to speak the truth, I will do so with worry of consequence. I will be myself but with a dash of fearlessness. Life is as unpredictable as my skin. It changes how it looks every day. The transformation can happen over night! So if my skin can make those kind of changes who knows what can happen in my life.

My feelings for the bubble head are bubbling up again like acid in my throat. I don't want to like him again. But I never really stopped. I just kept waiting for my feelings to recede. But they aren't. Its so weird. I feel trapped. I need to be reminded about how much of a jerk he is. I need to loosen up too. I am too serious all the time. I need to enjoy life and not get all caught up in junk that really does not make a difference in the long run. I am letting go and letting myself heal. Basically I am starting over. Renewing of the spirit some say. And I am not just saying it, I am living it. I have a plan. Like tonight I am going out. Its Detroit Electronic Music Festival this weekend and I am apart of the movement.