For Laura

Hi guys! So I have not blogged in decades. I like to write and I still do trust me. I just have not wrote anything down in this blog. I normally like to write creative things that help describe how I feel, but I am kind of doing this in a rush. So recently I fell in love with the gladiator soundtrack. The Wheat song makes me cry when I hear it, because it reminds me of how his family was killed, but he was reunited with them in heaven. After everything he had went through he only found happiness in death. Sometimes I think we fight God's plan so much that we make ourselves miserable, when we think we are making ourselves happy. Death is only the beginning and the beginning is only the end. Last night I watched The Door in the Floor. It seems to me that there a lot of movies and books that focus on the existential. I gues you would not be human if you did not question the human condition. Everyday interactions can open a window to everyone's reality and how it is different. I know what I see and believe is different from what others see and believe, but it is because of what I have seen I believe what I believe.

I'm reading White Oleander again. I like the way the mother prescribes books for her daughter to read like Hollywood Plastic Surgeon's hand out viacidin like halloween candy. She thinks that books are the answers to all of her problems. WHich makes sense, because for one you learn about others experiences and then if they are writing about something you can relate to you will not feel alone. Some of the books she suggested are Spy in the House of Love, Portrait of the Artist is You, and the Moone and Sixpence. I plan on reading them just because. I also want to read A widow for One Year by John Irving who also wrote The World According to Garp. Since I have all this time and I am not stressed out by school anymore I have a lot of time to read and do anything basically. I kindof hate being back in Houston. All people do here is go to work, watch TV and go out. No wonder I got into so much trouble here if those were my choices. I guess I should get more invloved with my church, but they are so messy I don't even want to get to know those people. So that keeps me from wanting to got to bible study and to anything where I have to talk to them and get to know them. I can not wait to go to Cali and to get started with my life. I miss journalism. i miss being around other gear heads like me. I hate not knowing the news before it becomes news. I knew that Reagan was dead before everyone else. I saw the most amazing pictures and I was in an environment that I felt at home with. I miss it so much. I miss seeing my friends everyday. I miss hearing Laura's laugh, I miss Erin saying, "Girl", and I miss maresa and I's talks.

Houston is just how you expect it to be. It is very predictable and I am trying to be so good that I am boring myself to death. I guess I will leave you with this poem I wrote in five minutes. Its not perfect, but relevant.

_V_I_R_U_S_

The flames are burning on the inside.
Phosphorescence peaking through the cracks of my skin.
Licking at my sides they make me smile,
Tickling me.

Trying to keep it inside
trying to hide my insanity
My own eternal inferno...internal.
My desires, my being, the nature of the beast.

It rises inside of me like the sun.
If I try to hold on I am sure I will be scourched by the blaze of my heart.
I am afraid that it is strarting to show.
I am afraid because I can not control it,
But I love it.
I try to embrace it.
Me.

:0)