For the most part I had fun this week. It was just really weird. God showed me a lot of things this weekend that I am very grateful for and that I should never doubt his power, never! I think sometimes God does so many things in my life that I can’t keep track of all of them, only the big ones. I am trying this typing out my thoughts on the computer thing. For one I do not have a physical journal to categorize my thoughts and maybe this way my typing will become a little better.
I feel so lucky to have a friend like Mar and I can’t believe at one time I was trying to get away from her. She is great. Oh before I forget, I need to write a thank you note to the families for welcoming me into their home this week and for showing me a good time. :0) I really did have a good time although I have mixed feelings about it.
So it all began one snowy Wednesday afternoon in Lenox, MO outside of Missouri. I hade spent a couple of days at a friend's family's house filling up on family love and camaraderie when Mar gave me a call Tuesday night reminding me that she was going to her parents house tomorrow. I was at a Contra dance learning new spins and mingling with Mennonites. I felt really out of place, no surprise and of course I was the only black person there. I really did not know how to relate and people are always asking me if I am ok. I am but you have to expect that I should feel a little uncomfortable. I mean come on. I grew up in Houston, TX I did not even know what Mennonite was until I came to Missouri! Even though I felt weird I did enjoy the experience. I think sometimes I am too hard to please, but I am really not. I just seem like I am having a difficult time. I just want to fit in I guess. I don’t know. Anyways.
So the next day Mar finally found the farm after driving to Salem and stopping by a little glass shop to ask if they knew where one step farm was and of course they knew the our friends and told her to say hi for her while she gave Mar directions. So we were off on our journey, not fully knowing what lay ahead, not fully comprehending the empty pit of nervousness that our stomachs had become.
From the beginning, it felt weird. Why? I had no idea and I thought it was just me. But now in retrospect I knew that it was not just me. It was the way the wind was blowing the snowflakes around in the sky like they would never land. How the blue Cougar went into a wormhole and brought us to St. Robert in lighting time, where we landed on the steps of Maresa’s church.
This is where I met Nels, his blue eyes and blonde hair, something I said I would never love in a guy, attracted me to him. But I know it was not his looks that lured me in. It was his charming smile, His interest in what I love (photography), how he batted his eyes at me, and how the sparks flew. I tried to ignore them, and listen to Mar’s wise stories of how conceited he is and immature he can be. I believed her and assured her that he had not won my heart. I told myself, gosh how you always do this. One guy shows you the little tiniest bit of attention and you think you are in love. But I knew that it was more than his looks that attracted me to him. It was the story about how he stood up on a table and professed that he loved a man, a man named Jesus. Gosh what balls, what tenacity. Something I wish I had and glad that there was someone that did.
Not knowing that I had been shot by the Cupid’s arrow that had hidden behind that grand organ in the Soldier’s Memorial Chapel, I ignored my feelings that begin to bubble over and my cup tilted to the side. Later on that evening, Christian, Nels’ brother, calls Mar and tells her that he would love for her to come over as well as me to his family’s farm on Friday or Saturday. He remembered me from Easter, in my pale pink Easter shirt and skirt. (Seems like I left an impression in my pink :0)
Excited and confused, Mar gladly excepted but wondered where Christian’s change of heart came from when he clearly expressed that he had no intentions than to just be friends. Maybe it is just a friendly invite, maybe not. Maybe he had seen her heart on the floor somewhere swept up into the corner with the rest of that night’s garbage and litter, picked it up and declared it to be his. Brushing off the dust, he breathed new life into it and gently painted it bright red until it would beat again and pulse with Love’s flow.
By this time I still had no idea what to expect but the norm. The Mad hatter danced around the table at Thanksgiving, making faces, and spinning on his head but it was my curiosity for the rabbit that pulled me under. The rabbit, the rabbit in the hat. He ignored me and only paid attention to his watch. Either too good to look up and notice me or too busy to see me. Either way it was fear that isolated him from the world around him and that fear would become my own soon.
Excited about going to the our friend's farm. I watched for his tail as he hopped between cars into the bushes, until we safely arrived. At the farm I did not find the rabbit, but he had changed, He had had become a sly cat, whose smile grinned from ear to ear. I saw myself in his reflection, and forgot about Mar, whom had traveled this long journey with me. But she too was mesmerized by the Love’s dance. As she moved to and fro with Christian close to her side, like a slow waltz they became the harmony to my song that I hummed in my head. I whizzed up and down back pasture roads on a four-wheeler, wrapping my arms around that Cheshire cat. He laughed slyly as he took me further and further into Wonderland and I began to wonder how I got here: On the back of a four-wheeler smiling like a Cheshire cat, holding on to dear life as I was whizzed away from reality.
From Taboo to Rook, many games were played and tensions were high. Amongst the handholds and poker faces, love grew on the path of righteousness between Mar and Chris. The cat refusing not to be out done made a move on me. Serenading me with songs that he had written, I blushed, but not quite sure what he meant by his love songs. Was he trying to communicate things that he could not say or was he just singing a song? Being the coconut that I am I had a hard shell to crack. My coconut slightly rubbed, I think the cat got tired or unsure of himself and what he wanted. Was he doing it out of competition or earnest affection? I will never know. I do know that he has left an impression on me and I hope that I left an impression on him. Whether I like him, right now I would have to say no, because there was not enough for me to decide.
Backing out of that rabbit hole that enchanted me and at the same time bewildered me, I realized one thing. I think at times people get scared of love, rejection, or unsure if that this is something they really want. . Like hate, Love is an emotion that can overtake the soul, the body, and the mind; let go and be free. That last line was something I wrote before I left for the trip that week during school. I did not connect it to what might be for Mar or me in the future, but it is funny how poignant it is now. I don’t think I nor Mar followed this mantra but I will definitely apply it to everything I do.
