Hysteria

If I am not careful I will drive myself crazy. I play a dangerous game, lending my heart out like a leased car. I feel like I am a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown in a Pedro Almodovar movie. I struggle for the words, but I don't know what to say because I do not know how I feel. I feel like I should be honest with myself and with other people in my life. the thing that keeps playing over and over again in my head is a line from the film, Shopgirl, when Steve martin realizes he has messed up and he has an epiphany, "How is it possible.. - he thinks...to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance...so that when she was gone...he would not miss her. Only then did he realize how wanting part of her...and not all of her...had hurt them both." There are things that are not perfect about the opposite sex, including myself. I accept all of their faults, but I feel like I still hold back parts of myself in fear of getting hurt. Don't call me your friend one second and then hint at me being your wife the next second. We really need to have a talk. This is getting too much. Like I said before, if I am not careful, I will have to commit myself. But when I see him, the time does not seem right. I look into his eyes and I think, he loves me. I don't need to rush things. But I am doing too much that is not expected of just a friend. I need to know, before I get too attached. Thats right. I am going to have the talk. The dreaded talk, and if he was half the man, he would have had it by now. But they never do. So I AM half the woman I could be, therefore I will ask the questions that need to be asked for the sake of my own sanity, really. Oh lord, help shape my words and my heart. Let my intentions be pure. There I go again exposing myself, but I can't write about trivial stuff. There is no point doing all this work of typing to take the time out of my busy schedule to tell you whats in my refrigerator or what I did at work today. If I can't make small talk, what makes me think that I can only write about the banal, inconsequential, superficial things in life. If someone discovers this blog and knows all my thoughts, then so be it. There is nothing wrong with the truth.

Butterflies in my Stomach

I have been avoiding writing on my blog. Why? I can not say. But I am writing now, but it is not the same. Maybe because I feel like my words are not my strong suit, or maybe its because when I read friend's blogs, there lives seem so much more interesting than mine and better written that it drains the creativity out of me. Or maybe I just have a leach. See that joke was lame. I haven't even written the title for this entry because I do not know what I am writing about. A friend conveniently reminds me everytime we talk that I have not posted in awhile. I created this hysteria around my blog and now I can't live up to the hippety hype. Maybe that's it, I can't deal with the pressure. Its like a pressure cooker. Actually if I feel pressured about anything, the last thing it would be is my blog and you would never be able to tell if I was under stress anyway since I am always so calm, cool, and collected. But I did flip out on a guy friend last night. For my standards I did. I actually said how I feel. I told him that I did not appreciate him disappearing last night and what seemed like to me that he was ignoring me. He said that I was reading too much into the situation and he waited for me outside, but I never showed up, so they left. All I have to say to that is whatever. I am tired of his moodiness and I am tired out defining myself in the weather of his life. Everything he feels, I feel as well. I don't know what I am doing. How I get in these situations, but really who do I think I am. I think i can rise above it all. I can't, but I can try my hardest to direct my will, or at least make it align in life with what I want, which is to please God. I don't know what I want. Someone said very clearly to me. All you need to know is that he likes and respects you and you like and respect him and the rest is bulls***. He's right. Just handle up on the rest. Easier said than done. I guess the hardest thing is to think about the possible consequences. The only friend I have is him. I have cut out all others from my life. Why, not because of him. It was something I needed to do. He just happened to be a biproduct of that, not meaning he is cut out. But I am getting tired. And when i get tired, the wind begins to blow, and things start to change. I watch Grey's Anatomy like some truth is going to be revealed. When Grey has hope, I have hope. God speaking through the mouth of actors and scriptwriters, yeah right! So that is my confusion and my fantasy that I persist that it stil exist, looking for my little workaholic, white bunny. Does everything in life have to be so hard. Do relationships have to be so complicated.