Shake it Off

Today was another day, but a good day. I had an assignment to shoot a theatre dress rehearsal that was for a possible 1a centerpiece. I really was not happy with how it turned out, but I could not really express how I felt about the shoot. Mark looked at my work. I had such a hard time shooting cause I only had natural indoor lighting to deal with, which is good and bad. I had a lot of motion blur on my part and the people I was photographing. The backgrounds were horrendous. But enough complaining. Its done. I like to think of one of my favorite songs right now, breath by Telepopmusik. Its just another day, and all I have to do is believe in myself, breathe, and just breathe. Just believe.



I can hear it in my head like theme musik. I love it. That song cuts things down to the basics and then the song is bare bones too. So it works well together. But the song really isn't as bare as it sounds. There are at least like five layers to the mixing and such. The way she sings sounds so exposed, bare, almost desperate. That's what I like. Raw emotion. So I feel weird when I can not express how I really feel. I feel scared sometimes, I feel confused, overwhelmed, all at the same time and sometimes not all at the same time. I should be used to it by now, but I am not. Its weird being the intern. I told Josie today that I feel like I am in permanent Limbo right now. Would I feel better if I was in a permanent position somewhere? Or would I find something else to feel weird about just to mess with my own head. The messed up thing is that I play games with myself. I think just to keep things interesting. I think my subconscious gets bored and is like what can I do to "F" with Kim now. Ugh, I am crazy. Fo sho' People act like they are all normal and they don't have these kind of thoughts, but I know they are lying because I can tell when I look at them. They way they dress like they have everything together and laugh the loudest when someone tells a joke while looking around to make sure everyone notices what a good time they are having. I see you...I can see you like a white balloon in a red sky. I told you I was normal. :0)

The Day after Tomorrow

Yesterday was my 25th birthday and it was very surreal and kind of sad. I am a very social person and I think of myself likeable or at least memorable. My two best friends from Missouri, Erin and Maresa, my soul sisters, called me early in the morning serenading me awake with songs of joy and celebration. If they hadn't called me I would have forgiven them. I would forgive anyone that would forget to call and wish me happy birthday, because really it's the friendship, the relationship that is important not if they have a good memory and I am their earth and they are my moon. My father called me on my birthday, but not to wish me a happy 25th birthday. Instead he called to inform me that this young lady was in trouble. I had gotten a speeding ticket in Pasadena and I refused to pay it because it was an obvious speed trap. I chewed the cop of course and he told me that this was not a court room and if I wanted to plead my case I can tell it to the judge on my assigned court date. He knows the only thing that judge is there to do is to make money for the city of Pasadena to make sure his salary and his is paid. Well, neways he was lecturing me on how I can not fight the system cause I will not win. He said that he would pay it and I told him did not have to. After all that and a brief goodbye there were no birthday wishes sailed my way or even a mere acknowledgement for the day that I was brought into the world with help from his sperm. My mother did get her birthday call in at 10 pm, Cali time, midnight, H-town time. She exclaimed that she was playing cards but wanted to say Happy birthday. I appreciated the thought and I did not expect the woman who birthed me to forget, but anything is possible. My brother did not call me at all. I was surprised by that but he does have a lot on his mind considering that he is starting his first year in college.



One ray of sunshine in my life is that my roommate, Deb, gave me a homemade card along with a $25 giftcard for iTunes. Maresa mailed me a package of music and giftcard for bath and body works that arrived on my birthday. I smiled at her and at God. She had some inspiring verses from Ephesians that I really needed to hear and had almost forgotten about. Almost. She said in a letter that she is praying for me and I then I thought I can not remember the last time I prayed. Considering that I am at a crossroads right now in my life it would be really dumb if I did not look for God's counsel in this situation. I think that I would be prone to make serious mistakes if I do not pray. I like my sanity that I have right now and I want to keep it. :0)




Speaking of sanity, my mother left last Sunday. She came to visit for almost a week. It was nice seeing her, but it was also good to get back to the normalcy of my life. She is very demanding even though she tried not to be. I was really stressed one day cause she was putting pressure on me to take her places so she could have pictures of a vacation to show off at work. I was really annoyed. The next day we got in an argument about me paying school loans off and then I said, "Mom, you did not even pay off your school loans." Then she said, to the amusement of my father when I was retelling him about the confrontation later, "You, Bitch!" I could not believe it. i mean really. Family will so do you over. Well she did tell me earlier, proudly that she had not taking her anti-depressants all summer and that she felt good. But I guess she did have anyone around like me to push her buttons. She later apologized, which I excepted and I was past the whole incident altogether. One funny memory about her visit is after we got off the Bart were heading to the car in the parking lot to head back to San Jose, after spending the day in San Francisco, she squats down between the cars and proceeds to pee. I could not believe it! I just got in the car and started to laugh hysterically. You can take the girl out of the hood, but you can't take the pee out of the girl :0) Right now I am listening to Blue Orchid by the White stripes. I like it . I love it . I live it. Get Behind me...Satan

GRAND STANDING

This past weekend I covered the first San Jose Grand Prix. The paper generously put the photograpehrs up in the Marriot, in downtown San Jose, where the race was happening. So I was put into the pit and I had a good time despite the heat. I was sweating a lot! But I think it was good for me and my body. The paper also gave me a new camera, A Mark II! Can you believe it? I was like I don't think an intern as ever been treated so well. Lord knows the Free Press didn't, allow they were very generous as well and catered to my needs. I felt like the talent :0) Mariah Moment! All eyes were on me being the intern and getting the pit position, when suppossedly that was an important spot. I had fun and I almost got run over by a champ car. This official literally had to yank me out of the way. I was shooting down low envisioning this perfect shot of a champ car that was coming in and I guess I was thinking so hard I did not see the other champ car that was closely trailing it. Oh well, the only way you learn is by making mistakes right?



This a photo of a female Toyota Atlantic driver who won the race and getting dosed with champagne. I was really excited when she won. Everyone kept saying she was the real deal. As a woman you have to prove yourself more than if you are a man especially in male-dominated fields. She is british and she was very gracious and did not act like the "talent" like some of the drivers did. One guy who won second had bodyguards all around him when he got out of his car like the media was just going to hound him. well he didn't win who cares about him. I got this shot because pat tehan, another merc photog, where standing on the side and he said, "Do you think we can go backstage?" I said, "I don't know, but wouldn't hurt to try," and then he said, "Yeah don't leave until they kick you out." So we went back there and they ended up running this photo as lead on the inside of sports. It was like six columns. I am just glad that I was able to fulfill my duty and that the paper wouldn't feel like they made a mistake putting a rookie in there. But actually we were all rookies. None of us had shot racing before, much less the Grand Prix. I woke up to engines revving in the morning and went to bed sore for three nights. But then the strange thing is I missed it Monday. I wanted to shoot some more. In the great words of Busta Rhymes "Give Me Some Mo!"



Things are not as bleak as I would like to think. So right now I am in the Las Vegas airport waiting for my connecting flight to Arizona and then my final destination, Atlanta where the NABJ conference is this year. This is my first official conference. I am exicted. I made a really cool dvd slide show. I like it alot. I put photos in there from cultural dance essay. I have al lot of photos and i really need a real edit. I am listenting to Zero 7, a british group. I love there music. I have about 30 mins until my computer dies. I am looking for a job, but things don't look as bleak as I previously thought. I think its all that positive energy I am putting out there. It is bound to come back, right Richard? I love taking photos too much to let it just drift away like the sand in the tide. I have to some how anchor my dreams and make them real. I feel like a mad scientist who is about to create her masterpiece, Frankenstein! :0)