Automation

I felt like New York City is where insomiacs unite. I fit right in. I loved it. They way everyone embraced their weirdness and toted it around like a head on a stick. Look at me I am a cannibal and I love it! I didn't eat human flesh while I was there, but i might as well have after experiencing the cuisine at a place called Sarge's. It seemed like everything had tongue in it. All different combinations. You could just get a plain ol' tongue sandwich or comboed it with Corned beef or some other ungodly combination of meat that just made me want to hurl. It was the only place open at 2 am that was near my hotel in midtown. I went searching for pizza and got fish heads instead. Thats the same right? yeah.



Have you ever been to one of those dog training classes? Well there is a game that they play at the end of one of these such classes called pass the pup. Its suppossed to help the pup get used to being around people and interacting with other dogs. Thats what I feel like riding the subway feels like. Everyone is getting used to being around people they normally would not associate with. All squished up together, like one happy family taking a summer vacation, every day!



When I agreed to go on this trip I knew that it would be a risk considering that I was going with my family plus my stepmom's pastor's family and extended family. What I did not know is that they are as about dysfunctional as the Simpsons on holiday at the Bundy's house. I was expecting like the wolf from little red riding hood but the green-eyed monster from Beowolf instead. I fed it some prada and Dolce & Gabana to appease the beast and it became docile until its next sacrifice. Its funny cause they put this front on like they are perfect, but they are so looney. At one point I just laughed. When two pastor's wives get into an argument on the subway to the point where others have to hold them back from fighting, you have to laugh. If people of God can't act Godly what hope do I have in humankind? What beacon of light are they and where are they leading me? Then come to find out that they are sisters and the story gets deeper than that, but I am not going to put their stuff on blast. Plus I don't want to go to hell for blasphemy or some jazz like that. Better to be safe than sorry I say. ;0) Its like they smell your weakness and they start to pick at your flesh like crows eating overripe fruit. One pastor was overweight and they picked on him the whole time.



I did not get to experience NY like I wanted to, cause they wanted to shop the whole time and i only really had one day to do stuff. So the last day I was there, I did what I wanted to do and left everyone behind. That day I went to the International Center of Photography, 5th Avenue and the MAC store. The architecture was interesting. the entrance to the building which was totally underground, was the one glass box that sat above ground and had a spiral staircase that descended into the cerebral pit of technology and geekness giants. What I loved most about was the hustle and bustle. I could have taken pictures of New Yorkers all day. You can tell who the tourists are and who the new yorkers are. new yorkers dont gawk, they walk. When they ride the syubway they stare, not look away and hide behind their hair.



I was a hit to in New York. One gay guy on the street stopped and told me that I was a diva and that my hair was fierce. One little boy about eight turned and looked and me and said real loud, "Now her hair is weird." I looked at him as he turned around in his chair to continue staring at me. I thought that was funny. I am used to the attention now, but at first it made me totally uncomfortable. It still makes me uncomfortable when men stare at you like the want to eat you alive. I can see why New Yorkers don't sleep. They are afraid that some one might just want one taste, a little taste. They look hungry...is so many different ways. In the model way, like I haven't eaten since 1982. In the way like I am going to be famous anyway I can. and Last the city has sucked everything good out of me that the marrow in my bones have dried up.



While I was in New York, I was pathetic. I am having all this fun and only one person sat on my mind like a summo wrestler. I feel stupid cause he totally just wants to take advantage of me and its not even real. I am know that I am being taken and that I am being hustled by this card shark who knows all the tricks, but I can't help but put my money on the table and let it ride. My odds are bad, worse than Vegas. What is this? If it was more ideal than I would give in happily, but its not. For a reason I assume. And I know he is torn about me. I see it in his eyes. Maybe thats not the way its going to be for me. Thats what I am suppossed to learn from this. There has to be something substantial coming out of this besides just a broken heart! Should I try with him? Should I say something, or should I just wait for him if he ever gets his act together? I don't know what to do. Someone said Leos are stubborn and if we are both Leos is there any hope for us?

iPodic Episodes

If you could know your future, whether it was good or bad, would you want to know? I would not want to know. I am too afraid of knowing the truth before it becomes reality. If I know something is going to happen to me that is bad, before it happens, I would be like f*** the world and who knows what I would do. Well a friend of mine wanted me to take this ipod reading. The ipod according to this test can predict your future through music. Its simple. All you have to do is set your ipod to random shuffle, ask the following questions, and hit play. Every new question, you skip to the next song. No skipping ahead, cause that would be cheating. Its like a tarot card reading, but without the terror or is it?





1. How does the World see you?
Your Eyes by Amel Larrieux, album: Bravebird

From the song I guess the world sees me as afresh and new with sleepy eyes. I am like new fruit fresh to be eaten, and in turn the world’s desire for me lead to my hunger for it. “Your eyes, the sleepy kind, so still and warm I had to dive so, deeply deeply.” Really a love song, so I guess I am in love with the world and the world is in love with me. The world sees me as naïve, but precious, and sweet.

2. Will I have a happy life?
In the Morning by Kelis, album: Kaleidoscope
This song is about how in love she is with Nas. But she has to wait and be patient for his love, because he is always gone. She has to have faith. I guess I should have faith and not worry about if I am going to find the love of my life. I have a tendency to feel inadequate almost all the time. Kelis talks about how she has never felt this way before. I wonder how much did she have to put in to build the relationship she has with Nas now, so much that she can write these songs about him for the public to know how she feels?

3.What do my friends think of me?
Roller Rink by Kelis, album: Kaleidoscope
I think this is funny. A lot of people see me as this person that is only looking for a good time, and a party girl. But I don’t see myself that way. Roller Rink is talking about how Kelis is different from the average person and that she is actually extraterrestrial. How she is not caught up in perception and image, but is labeled as weird. That’s me! “The roller rink, the roller rink. Just skate away no need to think. No cars and minks, no Gucci links. No need for shrinks, just roll the rink.” I definitely agree with this. My friends, my see me as high drama, and my name may be social butterfly, but I don’t need therapy. Already had enough, thanks.



4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Game Show by Kelis, album Kaleidoscope
I don’t have that many songs on my ipod cause I lost all my music. I only have like 215 songs which is why I am guessin Kelis came up so often, but it could just be that her music really relates to how I am feelin right now. I think it’s the later. You know I am pretty light hearted and I don’t take people seriously when they act like the like me unless they like hit me over the head with it. This song is about how, Kelis feels like her life is a game show. This guy proposes to her, but she is not sure that his price is right. Life can be ridiculous and right now, my love life is definitely a game show. I am just waiting to see who the next contestant is going to be, or if the one that’s playing right now is ever going to get a question right.

5. How can I make myself happy?
Push and Pull by Nikka Costa, album: Everybody’s Got Their Something

Well this song is really deep and talks about how life is a struggle, esp. when it comes to relationships. Can I make myself happy? It’s a struggle and some days are better than others.

“You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin'
You give and you take and take what you got
Round and round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie.”

It’s a constant struggle happiness is and something you never give up on, because for some reason I believe it is promised to me when the only thing that’s promised is hard times.

6. What should I do with my life?
Gone Daddy Gone by Gnarls Barkley, album: St. elsewhere

I guess this song is telling me to get on with my life and stop wondering if this person loves me. That it’s gone, but in the song, Gnarls is still in love with her and knows that he would love her the best. But they can’t get it together. I have a lot of songs about love. I don’t think it’s just me. I think that’s a universal language besides music. So I am going to try to move on with my life and except the struggle.



7. Will I ever have children?
Ima Doomee [Love Letter] by Danger Mouse and Jemini
Ummm…well I guess I am going to have children cause I am a Doomee. I like this song though. It’s my newest find, Danger Mouse collabos. “I never be the one to keep my nut on hold. I ain't talking to you like this cause my heart is cold. Just trying to tell you something so you understand. Though a nigga do his dirt he’s still your man.” I don’t understand how brothers think its okay to be promiscuous. Yeah you lonely on the road, well how do you think the girl feels at home? Alone! So if she can do it so can you. Period. I had some fool tell me that it’s impossible for a man to be monogamous. I was like whatever. But I’m having kids. Poppin them out like popcorn…ummm…. yeah



8. What is some good advice for me?
Sleep to Dream by Fiona Apple, album Tidal

This is good news to hear. I am glad that it’s ok to daydream, because basically that is what Fiona is saying in her angry melodramatic way, with her earsplitting tension, and bra-burning lyrics that cut like diamonds. “I tell you how I feel, but you don’t care. I say tell me the truth but you don’t dare. You say love is a hell you cannot bare. I say give me mine back and go there for all I care. Cause I got my feet on the ground, and I don’t go to sleep to dream. You got your head in the clouds. Your not all what you seem. This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways. So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.” Leave men that are emotionally unavailable alone is what this song is screaming to me in any context, whether it be in relation to this question or anything else.

9. How will I be remembered?
Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple, album: Tidal

Do I need to say anything else? Yes. I mean I like Fiona, but I don’t like her that much. But at least promiscuous by Nelly Furtado didn’t pop up. I would be devastated. I can handle, depressive. You know it does run in my family :o) A long line of vodka-drinking, card-playing, knife-wielding, anti-depressant pill popping, social butterflies. That’s me. ! I don’t take medicine to control my highs and my lows. I just skate the roller rink and roll along.

10. What’s my signature dance song?
Everyday is a Holiday (with You) by Esthero

I don’t even really like this song that much, but I love the artist. It is a very campy song; so much it was in that lame movie remake…. I can’t even remember the name it was so lame. I think she made this song to sell to a movie, to make money and get her name out. It’s a sellout song. So does that make me a sellout? I don’t think so.

11. What’s my current theme song?
First Love by Goapele

Ugh, I feel like I am being exposed here. Music has a tendency to do that. Do I have to say more? I really don’t want to.



12. What do others think my current theme song is?
Girls by Death in Vegas off the Lost in Translation Soundtrack

Once again people see me as this party girl, but I feel like I could be having way more fun, but I hold myself back. There are no words to this song, just sighs, by many girls. Like we are just floating above everything, illuminating the earth with our aurora. So I don’t mind being sent this way. At least it's positive. But with the good always comes the bad. Girls are complicated. But it would be boring if everything were simple.

13. What shall they play at my funeral?
High Speed by Coldplay, album: Parachutes
Very otherworldly feeling that transports you to a high place with moonbeams, love, and faith. Life is frustrating is what this song is telling me, but there is a release in death. Just let go. “Confidence in you is confidence in me. Is confidence in a higher speed.” I have confidence in the speed God has set for me. I may doubt at times, but I never loose confidence. Faith

14. What type of men do I like?
El Chupa Nibre by DangerDoom, album: the mouse and the mask

The beginning intro says” Adult Swim presents danger doom. Why did you buy this album? I don’t know why you did. You’re stupid. “ LMAO I love this album. What does El Chupa Nibre mean you ask? Well I am not an Adult Swim expert, but when I looked it up this is what it said: “Gather round children for the Legend of El Chupa Nibre
He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush,
Silent as a low flow toilet flush,
Watch your step, cause sooner or later,
He'll eat you whole, and half your alligator

LOL I don’t know what that is supposed to mean or I do know and I don’t want to think about it. But hilarious. You can gather your won meaning from it and decide what kind of men I like, cause I don’t have a clue. The only thing I can guess is I like men that are full of it. :0) There is no real meaning in Spanish for El Chupa Nibre. Totally fabricated alias.

15. How’s my love life?
The Last Remaining Light by Audioslave
“Roll me on your frozen fields
Break my bones to watch them heal
Drown me in your thirsty veins
Where I watch and I wait
And pray for the rain”-
This is my love life in a nutshell. I have decided that I don’t like this survey. It has hurt my feelings and makes me want to do things I necessarily don’t want to do. Maybe I take these things too seriously. I also have learned that I really don’t know the lyrics to most songs and that I mainly just listen to the music. Cause if I really paid attention to the lyrics I would truly be disturbed by some of there messages. Like this song. It scares me, by interpretation. Although Chris Cornell’s voice is like a siren singing to me and I would follow that hollowed-out, banshee voice into the darkness forever, I am somewhat trepidatious now that I know what he is saying. Which is what I guess I am doing when I listen to this song. Cornell belts out, “ Seven moons and seven suns. Heaven waits for those who run. Down the winter and underneath your waves. When you watch and you wait. And pray for the day.” Then he whispers, “ And if you don’t believe the sun will rise. Stand alone and greet the coming night. In the last remaining light.” How scary is that? End of days kind of stuff.

SoulSistas

SoulSistas
Originally uploaded by souldelightful.

Who are these girls? Are they still best friends? Are they happy now? I don't know. I look at this photo and I know that we have changed tremendously at least I know I have. For one my hair is way longer. Two, I never get to see these girls anymore so I know that I am different, because they were a big part of who I was back then. So I have to be different. We look so unassuming, is the best word to describe. That was a different world. A world that does not exist or me anymore. My world changes every day and is unpredictable. I don't have close girlfriends that I do stuff with on a regular basis in Detroit. One big change that is obvious to me is that Jellybean is now a married woman, going on her second anniversary if I am not mistaken. What is that china or something? See Jellybean or Spazz would now about that stuff. I think I reminisce about our time at Mizzou so much because I have not had friends like that since I left Miss-ery. Friends you can say whatever, and I do mean whatever, is on your mind. Drive around asking random people if they like chocalate. Be yourself, even when you are being a jerk, and your friends still like you. Still want to be around you, because there is a deeper bond. What I am saying isn't really profound, but universal. Everyone has had these friends at one time in their life, and they know that feeling when you first make that bond and know that the friendship is going to last forever. Its an overwhelming feeling. Intoxicating

What Pandas do for fun

57385_1600.wb1
Originally uploaded by Liam Daly.

Are we really better than animals. Don't most of us sit around and think about sex all day or at least the opposite sex and how to get attention from the opposite sex? Personally I see nothing wrong in doing what Pandas do. They have got it figured out. The only problem I can see in that equation is that what if your panda strays? I think pandas mate with the same panda for life. So it is natural for a species to be monogamous, although the male homosapien species would like to argue otherwise. Its funny though, cause guys or a particular guy, talks about how he wants this Eutopia where its a free love society, but really what he is saying is he wants to be able to be with more than one woman at once just as long as you don't see anyone else. What is that? It's possible to like more than one person at the same time, he says to me. Of course I will agree with that statement, but liking someone and loving someone are two different things. And when you love someone. you would never want to hurt them. Therefore toher likes never go any further than just like, because you love someone else. If you try to be monogamous and just be with them, they push you away. Then if he sees you with someone else he gets all pouty, but he created this situation. I really like him, but he played himself, basically. Maybe he thought that I was going to hurt him from the beginning, but he did not even know me. I just wanted to love him. We just can not get it together. Now that is human nature above everything else, above sex, above lies, above laughter, but to make it hard on oneself at all times. I don't know what it's going to be like tomorrow. I hope he is not mad at me. He can't be really. He has no right. If he was just honest about how he feels...well would that really solve the problem. Maybe he already sees how its going to end, and doesn't want to invest wasted time. I don't know. I just like this photo. Funny!