Useless Desire

How easy it is for a guy to snag a girl. Girls for the most part are not picky. All they need is for a guy to love them and commit to them and you've got them for life. I guess if you want them for the rest of your life, is where it gets tricky. How come girls are willing to work with faults, but guys want girls to be perfect? Well you know what I am not perfect and I am tired of guys sniffing around but not willing to give all their heart. You have to be careful around me, because if I feel like you will never make up your mind or are just trying to burn me, you are instantly out. And no matter how much you beg to get back in its not going to happen. So be careful how you bend me, like Patty Griffin sings so eloquently. Not only does that knock you out of the runnings, but it also puts holes in my heart where flowers used to grow. I am tired of guys with trepadatious, wounded hearts, and claiming that girls have all the power, but the girsl are the ones that feel powerless. Who makes the first move? guys. Who decides that they are going to be together? guys. So tell me where girls have the power. Cause I just don't see it. I could be more manipulative by batting of eyes more, turning up the heat, and wearing clothes to get their attention. But I don't want to be that girl. I want a guy to notice me because of me. To know that this one has value and is special as all the stars point to her for you. Is that kind of love possible? But that really does not work. And normally you just catch stuff that you would much rather just throw back into the ocean than find out what it tastes like, and find out if its lobster or just looks like crawfish. My father says that mean have certain standards, at least five, that women have to meet before they think of that women as the one they want to settle down with and that i should have those same standards. The ones that he mentioned were compatibility, unconditional love, successful career, and a faith/religion in the same God. I see nothing wrong with that. Why be with someone that will make you miserable, when you can be single and happy? Their is nothing wrong with being single. I just recently found out that a cousin who is younger than me was diagnosed with HIV. On top of that, like thats not enough, she is pregnant and the baby has HIV as well. She is engaged to be married and her and her fiance just bought a house together. She has had abortions before, but I guess this one is a keeper. I don't see why she never found out before, unless this guy is the one that gave it to her. What if he knew he had it and wanted her to get it so they could be together? That would be crazy. The world is a crazy place today. Sin has definitely taken over.



To get a guy that lights your fire, you have to really go after him and I don't think I am there yet. I was watching Laguna Beach tonight. Don't ask why. And i realized that I was on the verge of being Jessica. For those that watch Laguna, you know exactly what I am talking about. Always gambling your heart out, blindly hoping that the bet will pay off and you will have a partner for life. But that always turns out bad and things are always hard to define, because you are afraid to make him define it. Or it is defined but the guy is a player. But it seems that she might have found love in a younger chap. When in doubt about a relationship, I have learned you have to give the guy tons of space. Three things will happen during this time of justation. One you will either find out that he does not care for you, that he is madly, deeply truly in love with you, or that you really just don't care for him. Either which way, your questions will be answered no matter if you like the answer or not. I can respect a guy not really knowing what he wants. Cause most of the time I don't know what I want either. I am normally lead by the guy. My mother spells indecisiveness MEN for short. LOL That is true. They want too much. One thing that I am is loyal. Once I make up my mind, it is hard to change it, unless you hurt me beyond recovery.

Born out of Wrath

Sometimes I get so angry when I think about how Adam and Eve screwed things up for us, but then I realize that is the sin living within me and I should just accept their choices by letting the spirit inside me grow. Their same faults are my truth, meaning I am no different and their story is my story. I went to church today, and I have been going on a regular basis. As usual the word was good. I say this all the time, to put your hope in God, but today during church I realized I don't follow my own advice given to me by the holy spirit. I have told myself that I will never find love and I feel beaten up by the pressures of society. "Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ Our Lord." But I just need to be free! Too many times women try to change to be more compatible with the man in their life. Unless it is a good change that glorifies God, I think its a mistake. When I say you need to be true to yourself, I am talking about not denying the truth that lives within you. Yes it is hard, but you have to overcome, because the only hope in this life is God. The older I get I form certain beliefs and almost all of them are affirmed by the bible, which makes me believe that the bible is the most relevant book of our times, that not enough people spend enough time with. So people turn away when I start to talk about God, or just stop listening as they the bob their head in accordance. But I think its because the bible and God have been stereotyped and people see it as being oppressed and not opening your mind up to the world. Well I learned more about the world and the mind was expanded 10 times fold, when I started trying to figure out who this mysterious character is called God. Why would you ignore something that is so big and trancends all cultures, languages, and people? Andd a true thinker would definitely ask them self this. Finding truths out about yourself can be hard and scary.



I was lost for a time, in the world of another, that was just trying to pull me down into the muck. Clip my wings, figuratively, as some would say. I am so happy that I am free of him now, and know that he can not hurt me. He has no power over me. I never doubted that God would pull me out, but I just did not know how long I would be susceptible to his cunning ways. I am happier now, because I am in harmony with God right now. I know it is a cycle and there will always be something else that tries to pull me away, but right now I am just basking the glow of His love and knowing that I am right with Him. It feels like going through a winter, which I just experienced, and then sitting outside on the first sunny day soaking in the rays. just think about how much of a better world this would be if everyone embraced God the way I try to. To just want to learn and understand the God that made us all.