Lost in Detroit: Influential

In search of the truth, who I am, and what I want in life, I am always looking for incite from the wise advise of others, lessons learned, and reruns of Sex and the City. The other day a friend was telling me that I am not white washed. Thank God! Someone that gets me. He said that I am not like Obama, who people don't know if he is black enough. They would never question my blackness, but I would still be acceptable to the white community. I am a safe black I said and he said yeah, like Oprah. I laughed and laughed. Hey I have no problem being compared to Oprah. I want her influence and money. But I am good just being Kim. One thing is for sure you can't get what you want until you know what you want. It sounds so simple, but for some reason it is so hard. What you want sometimes seems impossible to get.



I watched Oprah last night and it was so fun. She had Robin Thicke on her show and he performed a few of Oprah's favorite songs. I had been thinking about buying his album for awhile, but Oprah having him on her show saying that his album was the album of the summer, pushed me over the top and I bought the album. He's cute like a cat. He looks like a lovable Tabby. He talked about his wife, who is quite beautiful and how they are high school sweethearts. Oprah's show was ridiculous. The audience would scream about everything. Oprah would say, you are getting a free iPod Nano and they would go bananas like they had never seen an iPod ever before in their life. It was the craziest thing. Like watching people faint at a Michael Jackson concert. That always weirded me out when I was a kid. I would be like, I love Michael but I don't know if I would pass out by just seeing him.



The latest movie that I watched is called Little Children. It is quite good, but I don't see how Kate Winslet was nominated for an oscar for that role. She didn't do anything spectacular, but get completely butt naked. I saw everything! Stretch marks and all. So maybe for taking it porno, got her the nod. Watching the movie, made me think about how I judge people all the time, and think that I am better than they are because I would never do what they do, but I do other things. I am not perfect would be my defense. So what makes me think that I can judge others? Because of these thoughts, I tried to give an old guy friend another chance. Its still not going to work out between us, but at least I don't have this hatred in my heart for him. I still know that I am not going to be with him, but I am not angry at him anymore and I am starting to free myself from the negative feelings that I have for the whole male species, really. Lets be honest, I am not the person you go to to talk positively about men.

Sentimentally Unstable

"I don't think this feeling will ever leave. I've been down so long, blues don't worry me. "-Lovetta Pippen of His Name is Alive. In my opinion the best line ever in music for me. That is exactly how I feel right now and I don't think I am alone, but I am. Thats the biggest part of my blues. Loneliness. Am I willing to sacrifice what I believe in just to kill my loneliness? Is that what life is, compromising oneself? I am alone, but I am used to being alone now. Luckily I have a great job, where I get to meet people all the time. People look at me and think that my life is perfect. Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen photographing this young boy whose life is so busy we are doing a story about it. His mom walks into the kitchen. I introduce myself, they stare at me and then she continues to stare at me. Then says You're so cute. If I did not know better I would think she was a lesbian. I would not be surprised actually. I go to work and I see a friend, who has recently turned 30. I looked at him with wonder, like a sphinx that had a riddle for me to solve. "What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?" I told him his reality was my reality and he laughed at me. He said no because I would be way cooler. I don't see how. People see the outer appearance as some clue to what you are internally, but really its a disguise guised by the mind.



Life is so unpredictable. I would have never thought that I would be living in Detroit. I love it. Don't get me wrong, but I don't know. Its so weird. I don't go out anymore. That is the biggest surprise to me. I think if I had more time and I did not work Fri and Sat nights, I might make more of an effort. But I don't complain and I can't see it any other way. Sometimes I think I am living my life like I am already old. When I do get old, I won't be able to do these things so I better do them now. I need to stop being afraid and just do the damn thing. Life is too short. So I promise myself if I see a man that I am extremely attracted to and I can see something more with, I won't hesitate. If I want to speak the truth, I will do so with worry of consequence. I will be myself but with a dash of fearlessness. Life is as unpredictable as my skin. It changes how it looks every day. The transformation can happen over night! So if my skin can make those kind of changes who knows what can happen in my life.

My feelings for the bubble head are bubbling up again like acid in my throat. I don't want to like him again. But I never really stopped. I just kept waiting for my feelings to recede. But they aren't. Its so weird. I feel trapped. I need to be reminded about how much of a jerk he is. I need to loosen up too. I am too serious all the time. I need to enjoy life and not get all caught up in junk that really does not make a difference in the long run. I am letting go and letting myself heal. Basically I am starting over. Renewing of the spirit some say. And I am not just saying it, I am living it. I have a plan. Like tonight I am going out. Its Detroit Electronic Music Festival this weekend and I am apart of the movement.