Just for you

There might be some hesitation to type on my blog, because there is pressure coming from outside sources. With coy eyes he asks when are you making a new entry on your blog? Do I look stupid? Then he tells me his dad also knows my blog address. So you know the first thing I wanted to do was write on my blog to show that I am not scared. I don't call it fear though. I think of it more as common sense.

I'll give you this. HE sent me a pix text about some black love signs. There are numerous problems I have with this, but for starters I will have to point the obvious. "Black Love" So what astrological signs are different for black people than for people of other races? Obviously that is a lie. Just a ploy to sell books, to relate to a certain market. Whatever. Then it says what most people fear about there relationship, which is possible in every relationship, no matter what their birth sign is. It says two leos together is double trouble. How ingenious. Then it says the relationship will start out perfect, but towards the end it will have troubles, and our hard-headiness or something like that, will get in the way. WOW that is sooooo inciteful. Where did they come up with that? And where do these people come from who write these books just to mess with people. In no way can that be helpful to anyone. My two cents.

A Glow!

This is what Kim looks like in love. So I guess I am in love. Should I be asking like that if I really was? There is no doubt about my feelings. I guess it just makes me uncomfortable to say so, more than I ever thought it would. Its funny when things are going wrong, I have endless thoughts to express, but now that things are going good and I am getting what I want, I dont know what to do or say. Sometimes I just look at him, like he is a invader that has landed on planet kim and is trying to cultivate me for survival on his planet. Now that we have been dating for awhile and he considers me his girlfriend, everything that I wanted, I get to see the real Brian. He is not as happy and funny as he seems. He is actually really moody and sometimes can be distant. At those times, I just give him space. Its nice to look at someone and see yourself. There are no more pretenses. We know that we love each other, and we are both in it for the long run. So what do we do now? Everything is established. Life seems like repetition to me. Everything we do, we do over and over again. We wake up, get ready, go to work, and then come home. We eat everyday, drink fluids, and laugh. In a relationship, you see him, eat something most likely together, hang out, and then you go to bed. I feel like I need some surprises and dont want to ruin my relationship at the same time. My mom tells me not to think so much. Its true! So I am embracing this love. It is mine, and nothing can make me not enjoy it. This love is something that no one can take away from me. But then thoughts creep in like, what if its all infatuation? Nothing concrete. Thats ok I guess. I just have to move on when it crumbles. I dont know why my emotions titter totter back in forth like I am on a swing. One second I am like, "I love him," and then the next I am afraid of that love. I doubt our love. What the hell is wrong with me. This is when I wish I was dense. Nothing could get through to me.

Lost In Detroit: Intuition

Like two droplets of water our lips are fused together
Pulling our hearts closer together in between the cracks of perception
"You could be my future wife," and "I could love you if you just let me"

Like rain falling, the dance is constant
the clouds in my mind won't let me see the sun
Is there even a sun
Or is it just a man racing on a bike
turning the wheel of light

I feel like an allegory chained to the wall
freightened by the shadows
Afraid to see if there is more
because what if there is and it's scarier than what I had imagined

Into what depths can my soul fall
Choices are all I have
Blindness is all I see
Red-colored rose petals strung across my thighs
connect the dots and it will lead you to my eyes
Holding back who I am
a guise
This is not me
My body lies
Why does my soul die when I feel so alive

Lost In Detroit: It's in the Eyes

I feel so lost right now. I ask myself, "What the hell am I doing in Detroit?" I know that I am not necessarily supposed to know everything that is going on in my life, but it is my life right?

It's in my eyes.
I feel it in my soul.
If you could only see it.
I dance around with strings attached that make me laugh.
Like Geppetto you cut my strings.
Now all I do is look to you.
But my nose just grows and grows.
Made to hurt each other.
Made to love.
Made to cry.
Am I real now?

He will be back today and then it all begins again. Just have fun my brain says, but then my heart says I don't know how much fun it's going to be or how long it will last. Are you having fun now, my mouth asks? It's actually a little hard to breathe my lungs flubber. My tree of confidence says that I will wait for my one true love. I will not settle.

Lost in Detroit: Influential

In search of the truth, who I am, and what I want in life, I am always looking for incite from the wise advise of others, lessons learned, and reruns of Sex and the City. The other day a friend was telling me that I am not white washed. Thank God! Someone that gets me. He said that I am not like Obama, who people don't know if he is black enough. They would never question my blackness, but I would still be acceptable to the white community. I am a safe black I said and he said yeah, like Oprah. I laughed and laughed. Hey I have no problem being compared to Oprah. I want her influence and money. But I am good just being Kim. One thing is for sure you can't get what you want until you know what you want. It sounds so simple, but for some reason it is so hard. What you want sometimes seems impossible to get.



I watched Oprah last night and it was so fun. She had Robin Thicke on her show and he performed a few of Oprah's favorite songs. I had been thinking about buying his album for awhile, but Oprah having him on her show saying that his album was the album of the summer, pushed me over the top and I bought the album. He's cute like a cat. He looks like a lovable Tabby. He talked about his wife, who is quite beautiful and how they are high school sweethearts. Oprah's show was ridiculous. The audience would scream about everything. Oprah would say, you are getting a free iPod Nano and they would go bananas like they had never seen an iPod ever before in their life. It was the craziest thing. Like watching people faint at a Michael Jackson concert. That always weirded me out when I was a kid. I would be like, I love Michael but I don't know if I would pass out by just seeing him.



The latest movie that I watched is called Little Children. It is quite good, but I don't see how Kate Winslet was nominated for an oscar for that role. She didn't do anything spectacular, but get completely butt naked. I saw everything! Stretch marks and all. So maybe for taking it porno, got her the nod. Watching the movie, made me think about how I judge people all the time, and think that I am better than they are because I would never do what they do, but I do other things. I am not perfect would be my defense. So what makes me think that I can judge others? Because of these thoughts, I tried to give an old guy friend another chance. Its still not going to work out between us, but at least I don't have this hatred in my heart for him. I still know that I am not going to be with him, but I am not angry at him anymore and I am starting to free myself from the negative feelings that I have for the whole male species, really. Lets be honest, I am not the person you go to to talk positively about men.

Sentimentally Unstable

"I don't think this feeling will ever leave. I've been down so long, blues don't worry me. "-Lovetta Pippen of His Name is Alive. In my opinion the best line ever in music for me. That is exactly how I feel right now and I don't think I am alone, but I am. Thats the biggest part of my blues. Loneliness. Am I willing to sacrifice what I believe in just to kill my loneliness? Is that what life is, compromising oneself? I am alone, but I am used to being alone now. Luckily I have a great job, where I get to meet people all the time. People look at me and think that my life is perfect. Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen photographing this young boy whose life is so busy we are doing a story about it. His mom walks into the kitchen. I introduce myself, they stare at me and then she continues to stare at me. Then says You're so cute. If I did not know better I would think she was a lesbian. I would not be surprised actually. I go to work and I see a friend, who has recently turned 30. I looked at him with wonder, like a sphinx that had a riddle for me to solve. "What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?" I told him his reality was my reality and he laughed at me. He said no because I would be way cooler. I don't see how. People see the outer appearance as some clue to what you are internally, but really its a disguise guised by the mind.



Life is so unpredictable. I would have never thought that I would be living in Detroit. I love it. Don't get me wrong, but I don't know. Its so weird. I don't go out anymore. That is the biggest surprise to me. I think if I had more time and I did not work Fri and Sat nights, I might make more of an effort. But I don't complain and I can't see it any other way. Sometimes I think I am living my life like I am already old. When I do get old, I won't be able to do these things so I better do them now. I need to stop being afraid and just do the damn thing. Life is too short. So I promise myself if I see a man that I am extremely attracted to and I can see something more with, I won't hesitate. If I want to speak the truth, I will do so with worry of consequence. I will be myself but with a dash of fearlessness. Life is as unpredictable as my skin. It changes how it looks every day. The transformation can happen over night! So if my skin can make those kind of changes who knows what can happen in my life.

My feelings for the bubble head are bubbling up again like acid in my throat. I don't want to like him again. But I never really stopped. I just kept waiting for my feelings to recede. But they aren't. Its so weird. I feel trapped. I need to be reminded about how much of a jerk he is. I need to loosen up too. I am too serious all the time. I need to enjoy life and not get all caught up in junk that really does not make a difference in the long run. I am letting go and letting myself heal. Basically I am starting over. Renewing of the spirit some say. And I am not just saying it, I am living it. I have a plan. Like tonight I am going out. Its Detroit Electronic Music Festival this weekend and I am apart of the movement.

We love because he loved us first

That statement is so profound, but so basic at the same time. Its so simple that its overwhelming. Like a child, we mimic the person who created us. I can't decide if this need to want to be loved and love in return is because thats what society says we need or its something organic inside me that multiplies as the years grow. AS my thoughts wander between the cracks of failed relationships, rejections, and why I am thousands of miles away from my family that supposedly loves me, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself. I am a selfish person, that knows it and really does not make excuses. If I feel like changing certain things about me, then I agonize over it forever to only realize that it can't be changed. But the things about be that can be altered I ignore, or just except about myself. Is it because I know I can change and that is too easy? Who knows. I understand anything about life. So one truth that I have discovered in life, is that people will always disappoint you. So don't put your faith in another person, or look for love to fufill you from another person. You will always fill empty. So instead I fill my days with monotony, so not to think about what I hope for one day. Attractive and stand up guys that seem good look at me with hope in their eyes, but I just look away. Digging the dirt from beneath my fingernails, I only want to see them in this positive light that surrounds them. I just don't want to find out that the light that I thought was emanating from them, was actually only a redirected reflection. I have less hope now than ever. I want to believe, but really how can I. The only thing that supposedly is stable and has unfailing love for me, is untouchable, invisible, and scientifically unprovable. God's love which is suppossed to sustain me, can not hold me, can not comfort me, and is only based on the faith that I have created in my mind. So excuse me if I have a hard time believing in love. But I do believe in God, so why is it hard for me to take that leap.